Most men I know share an annoying tendency. It might explain why so many are lonely.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.

Hey Prudence,

Re Blind Sided: This is based on nothing but my own personal observations, but there’s a tendency I’ve noticed with my own husband and his friends and family, as well as with most of my friends’ husbands. I think it’s a big part of the “male loneliness epidemic.”

It seems men almost completely outsource kin-keeping to their wives and girlfriends. They simply do not put in the effort to maintain relationships. They do put in some effort with their families, but not nearly as much as their wives do.

We see lots of letters where mothers-in-law complain that their daughters-in-law favor their own families, and the daughters-in-law always get blamed—when the real blame should go to their sons for a lack of effort.

—Wildcat01

Your own personal observations line up with actual research. You’re definitely on to something here.

Hey Prudence,

This is for Blind Sided, and it’s a very old school suggestion. Back in the days before we had endless ways to communicate—when we all had landlines—my mom called my Nana every Wednesday, and my dad usually called his parents every Tuesday or Thursday … I can’t quite remember. But having a scheduled time helps make it a routine and a pattern.

I’ve noticed in my own extended family that because it’s “easier” to connect whenever, we’re actually less connected than in the pre-social media and cell phone days—unless someone is actively acting as the family cruise director. Your husband’s family might just need a new cruise director.

—Set a Weekly Call

I really like this idea.

Hey Prudence,

Re Same Difference: I have a lot of empathy for the letter writer! It can be so hard to get your head around the fact that biological pregnancy is not going to work. But as someone going through IVF myself, let me say: the LW has not been paying attention to the details if she thinks having sex with Manny one time is going to solve her problems.

Did the doctor definitively say that the reason conception has failed is her husband’s sperm? Does she know with certainty that she has numerous viable eggs that can fertilize unassisted? Does she know that her ovulation cycle is predictable and healthy?

The LW was likely told that the probability of natural pregnancy per menstrual cycle is around 25 percent, and that’s if she’s in her 20s and there are no other health impediments for her or her husband. This probability drops precipitously with age.

This is not to discourage people who are trying to conceive—I’m in that precipitously dropping probability group, and thank goodness for modern medicine! But it is noticeable to me that she has gone through IVF and not had a successful pregnancy, so she has been educated on the small probabilities we’re dealing with, and the likelihood that even with the best medicine has to offer, it’s not going to happen. And she and her husband are still thinking there might be a good reason to try this plan, which has seemingly infinite ways it can go wrong … and only one minuscule way it can go right?

That either means there’s more going on here—as you suggested, maybe she or her husband is looking for an excuse for her to have sex with Manny. In that case, DO NOT get a child involved. But more worrying to me is the likelihood that she, her husband, or both have not really understood and processed the IVF failure. There is almost no reason to think she will get pregnant naturally from sleeping with Manny once. The fact that she or her husband think it’s that easy, despite everything they have already learned and experienced, means they need to spend time working through the disappointment and grief that come with accepting that biological children are not in their future. The effort to process, grieve, heal, and move forward as a family should be the focus—not cockamamie schemes that may only damage the marriage more and simply delay the pain of infertility.

Sending my love and good wishes for them to find a path to making a happy, stable family.

—Gabby

You are making me realize I failed to question the letter writer’s assumption that the thing standing in the way of her getting pregnant was an issue with her husband’s sperm. And you make a good point about the fact that they’ve already tried IVF. Sperm quality is definitely something they check out during that process, so the couple should really know definitively, beyond “it looks as though the doctors [who predicted that he wouldn’t be able to conceive when he was a child] were correct.” We have updated information! Anyway, I don’t want to get too far into the medical details, even though those of us who’ve been throughIVF should really have some kind of honorary degree in fertility medicine. Suffice it to say, the answer to “Could this really be the solution we’ve been looking for?” is “probably not.”

Hey Prudence,

Re Unlovable: I think you might be looking for love in the wrong places. Certainly, romantic love can be important to some, but I only have one person in my life who loves me that way (my husband) and a dozen or more people who love me in a friendship way. I wonder if seeking out a chosen family might help fill this void. Perhaps you could start with fellow adoptees. There’s a lot of discussion about adopted children who went through exactly what you’ve experienced and I bet you would vibe with some of them.

—Friends > Family

Good idea. And if the task of creating a chosen family feels daunting, just start with “some people with similar histories who understand what I’m dealing with.”

Hey Prudence,

Re Unlovable: Everyone who has not yet found their person eventually starts to think they are unlovable. I thought so too—and I just celebrated the 43rd anniversary of a marriage that is everything you are looking for. An older friend helped me, and I want to share the advice he gave me. I hope you will try it.

Make a written list of everything you want in a relationship and in a partner. No detail is too small. Take your time—spend a week or more on it. When you can’t think of one more thing, go through the list and pick out the 10 or 12 most important items. Again, take your time and consider carefully. Once you have locked that down, order the list. Put the most important first, and write them out from first to last. Read it often. If you go out to a bar, read the list before you go. If you go on a weekend singles adventure, make it your purpose to open your heart and get to know everyone. My person was there all along—I just hadn’t noticed.

Remember, your person may not have every quality on the list, but your focus will attune your mind to recognize the one. This really, actually works. Do it, and then give it time.

Many people come from families who could not love them. This is your parent’s failure, not yours. You can create the loving family you want. In fact, you have already begun.

—WaldoX–22

Write back and send us the list, please!

Hey Prudence,

Re Wish She Hadn’t But She’s An Adult: Your advice to stay out of it with the sisters is good. But perhaps you could also remind the LW that her mother is a fully formed adult who still has desires and needs. No one wants to think of their parents as sexual beings (eww), but the LW seemed to give her dad a pass for his behavior while sort of condemning her mom for her new boobs. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive at any age, and it’s not necessarily a sign of dementia. The LW should give some grace to her mom—and stay out of it with her sisters.

—Marguerite

That is such a good point! It seems my own internalized misogyny made me overlook the douchy dating habits completely. Why isn’t anyone concerned about the dad? They will be when he introduces them to a new stepmother who is draped in red flags. Meanwhile, the mom’s new boobs are hurting no one.

Classic Prudie

I met one of my closest friends in college, and she’s a great person, most of the time. The one thing that really bothers me is that she’s jealous of people in our field who are successful. Anytime someone we know, or a random person that has a similar age to us, is remotely successful, she gets jealous. She’ll say things like “why isn’t that me” or just “ugh” and sigh. It’s making me more and more annoyed as time goes on and I notice it more. Of course, I also worry that she will direct that at me and I don’t need that in my life. I’ve been hesitant to tell her when I get job interviews or offers because I don’t know if she’s honest in her “congratulations!” What do I do?