Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I recently discovered what I still can’t believe: My in-laws have been allowing our 15-year-old son, “David,” to drink beer at their house. Apparently, this has been going on for months!
The worst part? My husband, “Walter,” thinks it’s no big deal. He even admitted that his parents let him do the same thing at David’s age! His excuse is that it’s “just one beer with dinner” and they’re not letting him get drunk—so it’s fine.
I disagree entirely. I told my in-laws that David—and his younger brother—will not be visiting them for the foreseeable future. Now Walter, his parents, and even David are ganging up on me, claiming I’m overreacting.
David is about to get his driver’s license within the year, and I am terrified of what could happen if he’s ever pulled over with alcohol on his breath—or worse, how it might impair his judgment while driving.
What are my options here?
—My Teen Should Be a Teetotaler
Dear My Teen Should,
You have every right to put your foot down and say that your minor son should not be drinking under any circumstances. However, try to be understanding of your husband’s position; his parents let him drink as a kid and thus, he doesn’t see a problem with it. His family’s position isn’t exactly unique, as there are some folks who think it’s better to let a young person experiment with alcohol at home than to let them discover it on the streets. Explain to him kindly that drinking a beer with family can easily be a gateway to sneaking booze behind your backs and that you do not want to send your son the message that drinking at 15 is OK.
Furthermore, teens do not have great alcohol tolerance and a beer (or two) at dinner absolutely could lead to devastating consequences if he were to drive afterward. Let your in-laws know that you are not wavering on your stance, and that your boys can’t visit with them until you have their word that they won’t allow them to drink until they are of age. Tell your sons that your rule may not be fun, but it is designed to keep them alive and from harming others. Everyone can be mad at you if they want, but you know that what you are doing is in your children’s best interest.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice From Slate
When I first met my husband, he told me he’d never touched a drink, never smoked, and never taken any sort of drug. He had a family history of addiction, and having seen what it does to people, he decided it probably wasn’t worth it. As someone who never became addicted to alcohol but partied a bit too hard in my early 20s, I really respected that. He never asked that I not drink, though by the time I met him, I wasn’t going out often anyways. Over time, his relationship with his alcoholic mother grew worse until we had to cut her out of our lives entirely, and his sister recently died of a drug overdose. He’s since become a health fanatic. We have three kids between the ages of 13 and 9. He’s now obsessed with perceived unhealthiness in our family, and it’s doing something really strange to our kids.
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